Army

I wrote this piece last year and found it among various other bits. It reminds me of the pain and the exhaustion that come with depression. It contains strong words and references to suicidal feelings that may be triggering. Please be kind to yourself. It is OK to ask for help.

 

Suicide.

Blinded by darkness, it’s the only way out.

The final solution to an exhausting battle.

Suicide is my comfort.

A bleak stillness steals my last breath,

Suicide… The echo that remains once I am gone.

 

Except I don’t go…

I stop.

I notice.

The comforting call of suicide continues. I listen. And I notice.

I notice a solitary bird in the sky. I notice the icy wind on my face. I notice my regular long deep breaths.

As I notice, I reconnect.

Gently waking from a long and painful sleep.

Rediscovering life’s unassuming moments.

Strangely beautiful.

 

And then I talk.

An unfamiliar voice at first.

My own.

Outstretched hands I had never noticed.

I share. I talk.

My load is lifted.

No longer lost and alone in the battle.

Talking has forged me an army.

An army that has made me stronger.

An army that has saved me from suicide.

 

Be someone’s army.

Start by talking.